It just had to be said. Hey guys it’s Sam, with my second main post on 2Sam2Mwak! Goosebumps is one of my top book sagas for creeps and scares, but it did slip under more than one trial and tribulation. And I’ve decided to give those trials and tribulations a taste of their own medicine, a piece of their own mind! Because I’m breaking down the top couple of worst Goosebumps books that made it to market in the 90s. (Note: not in order.)
To Make A Long Story Short: This book should be left in a sauna. On fire. On a volcano. On the sun!
The Half-Brained Ending: When Sam J. shines a magic flashlight on Brent, it is revealed that he is a “monster”: they can’t stop their disgust at how he has hair instead of suctioned tentacles, and two short arms that can’t even wrap around his body. In my own words, Brent is actually the last living human, turned invisible to avoid detection. Well, he’s gonna get plenty of detection as an endangered species in the zoo…
If there’s a novella that screams reference-leveled disappointment, it’s My Best Friend Is Invisible. An extraordinarily obnoxious installment where all that happens for the majority of the book is that Sammy Jacobs (not yours truly) gets into huge trouble thanks to his invisible friend, Brent. Munching his chicken, costing him a race, you name it, Brent’s ruined it. And with the addition that every character is an annoying grate, and the ending twist is one of the worst tries at wrapping a book up ever, this book may just be the Sonic Free Riders of Scholastic.
To Make A Long Story Short: I’m glad I make famous writings in my own merciful light. Seriously? How can blob monsters relate to comics?
The Half-Brained Ending: The whole thing is a story within a story, written by a blob monster and I literally threw the darn book on the floor and stomped on it.
The Blob That Ate Everyone wins so many demerit awards. The worst name, the worst tagline, the worst story, the worst climax, you name it, this book made the worst of it. If the idea of a blob monster relating to comic books didn’t already fool you, I wonder if RL Stine was enjoying gum when he came up with this wreck of an idea. Hey, Mr. Blob, if you love eating everyone, why don’t you eat yourself?
To Make A Long Story Short: I’m glad Sherman Lake was never like this. And just for a reality check: The protagonists in the story are boys, not a girl, if you’re such a genius, RL.
The Half-Brained Ending: Just as they are leaving camp, Alex begins singing a tune, but it comes out horrible and off-key. It is revealed that ghost camper Elvis McGraw has inhabited Alex’s body, pleading Harry not to tell anyone. I can’t help but make this pun, but Elvis Presley kinged rock and roll, so I guess Elvis McGraw kinged bad singing. Am I rite?
Ghost Camp gave the series’s already created attempts at paranormal camp experiences (Camp Nightmare, Camp Jellyjam, etc.) a new name of disappointment. From the seriously half-baked camp salute to the weak excuses of campers painlessly hurting themselves, (such as one camper jabbing a pole in his foot, but saying that it didn’t hit his toes. What.) this book joins the bottom of RL’s camp novel heaps. It isn’t just bad. It deserves to be thrown into a campfire. And have marshmallows and hot dogs roasted above it. Maybe then better ghost tales can spin.
To Make A Long Story Short: This book must’ve come from RL’s old science fair experiment gone wrong. It’s a perfect re-enactment.
The Half-Brained Ending: This is the real ending, but I hope I was joking: Todd wakes up to a giant butterfly holding a silver pin, arriving for revenge. Okay, I’m sorry, what.
Go Eat Worms! would’ve done better as one of Todd’s sister’s catchphrases, let alone it being the actual name of the book. It focuses so much on worms and stuff that it totally walks past what could’ve made it an amazing installment. Todd cuts a worm in half and every other worm stares him down? What kind of element is that?! I made a big mistake aching for this book, and Todd, I really wish you do eat a plate of worms and mistake it for spaghetti.
To Make A Long Story Short: This must be the childhood rivalry of Superman and Batman. And Batman always wins…he gets more movies!
The Half-Brained Ending: After simply bailing the flying competition (he didn’t lose his powers after all), declaring that “Wilson wins again”, Jack J. actually wishes his worst enemy luck! Either Jack finally got over being the bottom of the elite heat, or he and Wilson must’ve killed each other in the process. But Jack does have a good wrap-up in the end; Wilson may have scored the burden of flight, but Jack has scored his ultimate jackpot…Mia.
How I Learned To Fly is empty in so many places, I’d need an extra hand to count its mistakes. It’s not funny, it’s not entertaining, it’s not amusing, it’s simply not good. Seriously? Eating some sticky goo and belching gets you up in the air? I ate something once so putrid, I totally rose up in the air, leaving behind a terrible odor…that’s my description of Life cereal for you. How I Learned To Fly? More like How I Learned To Bore Readers To Death. Anyone who has a better name in the comment section will receive my bagged and shipped ashes of my copy of this book.
To Make A Long Story Short: I’m glad I never grew up on a farm with a toothpick in my mouth and a guitar in my hand. Because if I did, I’d be writing books like this.
The More-than-Half-brained Ending: Vanessa turns Crystal and Cole back into humans, tells them about her manner obsession, and offers them sodas after all the abuse she’s done to them. But when Cole downs his drink and lets out a great burp, she whispers “Pig pig” and Blogger Beware creator Troy Steele said he “literally threw the [not-allowed-to-use-this-kind-of language] book across the room.”
Goosebumps has a worst book for sure. One with wings, one with talons, and one with beaks…Chicken Chicken. Ranking as the #0 worst book on Troy’s list, this book would also rank that bad on mine, too. It clearly had a lack of time put into it, it has absolutely 0% of a point, and it all unravels for naught in the end. Maybe RL will clear his head before eating lunch.
To Make A Long Story Short: This half-intelligent and half-baked sequel is literally encountering book one all over again.
The Half-Brained Ending: The same ending as the first book–Steve gets the haunted mask off with a symbol of love, but a friend has troubles getting off his own mask.
The Haunted Mask II is the king of bad Goosebumps sequels, terrible in a level where we’re reliving book one into book two. It’s shamelessly derivative of the first haunted mask experience to the point where Carly Beth (the haunted mask’s first victim) actually helps Steve. I told you this book was half baked. Just calling this book a disgrace is a major understatement, because it reached new levels of terrible that may have even gone past Chicken Chicken. Ouch.
And that’s all of the worst Goosebumps books I’ve read, which is a pretty darn big majority of it! Check back next Friday for another juicy 2Sam2Mwak adventure, and let’s get this blog as famous as Sammwak, shall we?
The Haunted Mask II